Without meaning to, I assure you.

The signs: I’m highly excited about beer now, and it occurred to me that this is a sign of being a true gay girl – you not only drink beer in order to get up the courage to talk to or dance with a woman in a bar (or in my case to tell your parents that you like like girls, in that way)…you start drinking it for fun, like on weekend trips to French bistros in Brooklyn (Ommegang, please?)

The signs: You live in New York and buy a used bicycle to ride around the city, to make you more authentically “anti-establishment.” (Some “straight” girls do this too…more on that below).

The signs: You begin growing your own vegetables so that you do not have to shop in corporate-owned chain supermarkets or even in faux-co-ops that still carry corporate-owned “fair trade” brands.

The signs: You refuse to throw out a really disgustingly dirty pair of Tretorns that you’ve worn for five years, because they’re the most comfortable shoes. And you wear comfortable shoes like all the time because who can stand the pain of wearing heels? (Unless it’s a kinky gift for your girlfriend for the holidays, [this does not mean that I have done this, Dad. I just know people who have done this. Friends…um…yeah, friends.]).

The signs: You start thinking every girl you know is a closet lesbian, because how can anyone really like men, like, like like them? (please, dudes, do not get offended. This is humor!)

I think maybe I should start a “stuff gay girls like” blog to compete with “stuff white people like.”

Please note: I purposely used the word “like” a lot. I do not actually talk this way. Well, okay, sometimes I do. But not at work.