Today, I had to make a choice – a choice about how I was going to value myself, my work, monetarily.

I’ve discovered I’m uncomfortable with making money (thank you, Tara Gentile!) I have always been proud that I don’t have much ambition when it comes to money. Yes, PROUD. This was me – “I just want to be comfortable, materially, so that I can thrive spiritually.” Um…wait a minute…what?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See, I grew up with that Christian ethic of poverty as holy, and always had a strong distaste for “greed.” But real greed is very different from wanting to be paid what you’re worth, and what you need, to feel you got what you deserved – that is what I’m now going to call “anti-exploitation.”

Now that I’ve termed it, I know right now that I will not be exploited any more. I did that. In my early 20’s, I interned for free (actually, I paid to intern), and it paid off – into a real job. Now I have a new career, a full-time job, and am being sought to do work for someone else’s new business. That’s great! But here’s the kicker – this person is subtly encouraging free labor. Let’s face it, I’m too smart, and too freakin’ old, for that!

However, like I said, I’m uncomfortable with earning money. So uncomfortable that I was really considering putting up with the internal feelings (anger, depression, sadness, loss of self-worth, feeling exploited, etc., etc.) that came along with getting paid less than what I wanted, rather than asking for what I wanted and accepting the answer – whether it was yes or no.

I was going to sacrifice the opportunity to thrive spiritually, AND the opportunity to be comfortable materially, for someone else’s needs. All the while, using my writing to benefit a brand dedicated to inspiring people to be true to themselves. If that’s not spiritually corrupt, it’s at least spiritually bankrupt.

So how could I come to a place of spiritual wealth that was also comfortable with material “wealth”? (I’m using that word here liberally.) Because when you’re uncomfortable with earning what you really feel you’re worth (and with demanding it), how can you be comfortable materially or spiritually or psychically? How can you be comfortable in those three spheres if you let others dictate your value, and not the other way around?

I had to answer all these questions today, and so it was fitting that the following saying showed up in multiple feeds – my facebook, twitter, and email – all at once this morning! The answer was waiting right there, all I had to do was own it! (The second verse was the most powerful today, and I think this might need to be a new daily affirmation.)

Choice

Today I choose to live by choice, not by chance;
To make changes, not excuses.

To be motivated, not manipulated.
To be useful, not used.

To excel, not compete.
I choose self-esteem, not self-pity.

I choose to listen to the inner voice, not the random opinion of others.

Author unknown
Advertisements